TIGblogs - IBRAHIM OYEKANMI

TEASERS
Politics

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: Im the breadwinner of the family, so lets call me capitalism. Your Mom, shes the administrator of the money, so well call her the Government. Were here to take care of your needs, so well call you the people. The nanny, well consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, well call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nannys room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I thin k I Understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

Job Descriptions

1. A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

2. An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didnt happen today.

3. A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

4. An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.

5. A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didnt know you had in a way you dont understand.

6. A mathematician is like a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isnt there.

7. A topologist is a someone who doesnt know the difference between a coffee cup and doughnut.

8. A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief."

9. A psychologist is someone who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.

10. A professor is one who talks in someone elses sleep.

11. A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.

12. A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

COMA

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several
months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when
he finally woke, he motioned for her to come closer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You
have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were
there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got
shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"

"What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with
warmth.

"I think you're bad luck."

Confession

A man is on his deathbed, and his wife is sitting by his side.

The man says to the wife: "Hon, I have to tell you something."

The wife replies: "Yes, you can tell me anything."

Man: "I slept with your sister"

Wife: "I know"

Man: "And your mom"

Wife: "I know"

Man: "I also slept with your secretary, Mary"

The wife puts a finger to his mouth and says "I know, my darling, now just relax and let the poison work".

Stupid Questions

1. Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you undress?

2. If a person owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way down to the center of the earth?

3. Why cant woman put their mascara on with their mouth closed?

4. Why is it called alcoholics anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say
"hi, my names Bob. Im an alcoholic"?

5. If you mated a Bulldog with a Shitsu would you get a Bullshit?

6. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

7. Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer?

8. Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries
have a use by date?

9. Why do toasters always have a setting on them which burns your toast to a
horrible crisp no one would eat?

10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say "I think ill squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?

11. What do people in China call their good plates?

12. If the professor on Gilligans Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why cant he fix a hole in a boat?

13. Why does Goofy stand on two legs when Pluto remains on four? Theyre both dogs.

14. What do you call male ballerinas?

15. Can blind people see their dreams and do they dream?

16. If Wile E coyote has enough money to by all that Acme crap why doesnt he buy his dinner?

17. Why is a person who handles money called a broker?

18. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

19. If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables. What is baby oil made from?

20. If a man is walking in a forest and no women is there to hear him is he still wrong?

21. Why is it that when someone tells you that theres billions of stars in the universe,
you believe them. But if they tell you theres wet paint somewhere you have to touch it?

22. Why do you call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere, yet call it hemorrhoid when its in your ass?

23. Did you ever notice that if you blow in a dogs face it goes mad, yet when you take him on a car ride he sticks his head straight out the window?

THE WINNING JOKE

After much careful scrutiny, we (the Laughlab.com) are proud to announce our winning joke. This joke received higher ratings than any other gag.

Drum roll…..

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?"

The Husband Store!

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE !

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch . . .. you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband . .

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 4, 363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

Please send this to all men for a good laugh and to all the women who can handle the truth!

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YOU HAVE TWO COWS....................

TRADITIONAL ECONOMICS
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies and the economy grows.
You retire on the income.

INDIAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You worship them.

PAKISTANI ECONOMICS
You don't have any cows.
You claim that the Indian cows belong to you.
You ask the US for financial aid, China for military
aid, British for Warplanes, Italy for machines,
Germany for technology,
French for submarines,
Switzerland for loans, Russia for drugs Japan for
equipment.
You buy the cows with all this and claim
exploitation by the world.

AMERICAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You sell one and force the other to produce the milk
of four cows.
You profess surprise when the cow drops dead.
You put the blame on some nation with cows &
naturally that nation will be a danger to mankind.
you wage war to save the world and grab the cows.

FRENCH ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.

GERMAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You reengineer them so that they live for 100 years,
eat once a month and milk themselves.

BRAZILIAN COW
You have two cows.
Whenver they breed the third, you
arrange for soccer tournament and
the winning team gets it.

BRITISH ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
They are both mad cows.

ITALIAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.

JAMAICAN COW
You have two cows.
You feed them with the same weed
that you smoke. Listen to Reggae
music and wonder when the number will
turn to three

SWISS ECONOMICS
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.

JAPANESE ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You redesign them so that they are one-tenth the
size of an ordinary cow and
produce twenty times the milk.
You then create cute cartoon cow images called
Cowkimon and market them
worldwide.

RUSSIAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 17 cows.
You give up counting and open another bottle of
vodka.

CHINESE ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity
and arrest anyone reporting the actual numbers.

NIGERIAN ECONOMICS: {FEDERAL}
You have two cows
You eat one and claim it was stolen
Call in the Police to investigate
Police arrested everyone living within 100km
Torture them thoroughly until someone admitted
kidnapping the cow
The police instead collected one cow each from
everybody arrested
You have your cow back and the Police now owns a
cattle farm.
{TRIBES}

YORUBA ECONOMICS
You have two cows
U kill them both
And throw an owambe party!

IBO ECONOMICS
You have two cows
U make very good counterfeits of them
And sell for the price of the real cows!

HAUSA ECONOMICS
You have two cows
You rear them till they are four
Make sure ur kids rear cows too
And just maintain!

It's only a joke folks !

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*A man was out walking when he fell over the edge of a cliff. As he hurtled towards the ground, he just managed to hang on to a protruding tree branch. Staring down at a 200-foot drop to almost certain dearth, he cried out: “Help me, please! Is anybody up there?”
A deep voice came back: “Yes, my son, I am up here.”
“Who is it?” called the man.
“Its is the Lord.”
“Can you help me?”
“Certainly, my son. Just let go of the branch and I will catch you”
The man thought for a moment, then shouted: “Is anybody else up there?”
(This is an oldie but a goodie)

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued ... and won!

In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."

NOW FOR THE BEST PART....

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine

We dey too!

After digging to a depth of 100 meters last year, Russian scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had telephone network 1000 years ago.
So not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists dug 200 metres and headlines in the US papers read: "US scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibres, and concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the Russians."
One week later, the Nigerian newspapers reported the following: "After digging as deep as 500 metres, Nigerian scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using wireless!!

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A TEASER - the NIGERIAN POLICE!
Forwarded by A.B.Barkindo

In an effort to determine the top crime fighting agency in Nigeria, The president narrowed the field to three finalists: the SSS, the Army, and the Nigerian Police force. The three contenders were given the task of catching a rabbit which was released into the forest. The SSS went into the forest. They placed animal informants throughout. They questioned all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigation they concluded that rabbits do not exist The Army went into the forest. After two weeks without a capture, they burned the forest killing everything in it, including the rabbit. They made no apologies. The rabbit deserved it. The Nigerian police went into the forest. They came out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear was yelling " Okay, Okay, I agree, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit". >---------------------------------
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Read About the The Queen, Clinton and Obasanjo!!

Queen Elizabeth, Bill Clinton & Olusegun Obasanjo died & went
straight to hell.

Queen Elizabeth said "I miss England; I want to call England and
see how everybody is doing there". She called and talked for about 5
minutes, and then she asked
"Well, Devil, how much do I owe you????
The devil says "Five million pounds". She wrote him a cheque and
went to sit back on her chair.

Bill Clinton was so jealous, he starts screaming, "My turn! I
wanna call the United States, I want to see how everybody is doing there
too. He called and talked for about 2 minutes, and then he asked
"Well, Devil, how much do I owe you????
The devil says "Ten million dollars".
With a smug look on his face, he made a cheque and went to sit back on
his chair.

Obasanjo was even more jealous & starts screaming, me go call
Nigeria too jare, I go see how everybody is doing there too. I
go to talk to the ministers, to the deputies, to the PDP, everybody.....
He calls Nigeria and he talks for about twenty hours, he talked & talked
& talked, then he asked,
"Well, Devil, how much do I owe you????
The devil says "One dollar".
Obasanjo is stunned & says "One dollar??? Only one freaking dollar??"
The Devil says "Well if you make a call from one hell to another hell,
it's local !

Ike Ofoche

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WRONG WIFE (be careful with your e-mails)

After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet
his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis.

They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together. Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix up at the boarding
gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain.

Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle's was cold. The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned. He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the e-mail address.

His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly preacher's wife whose even older husband had died only the day before! When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead. Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:

Dearest wife,

Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some
confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.

Your loving husband.

P.S. Things are not as we thought. You're going to be surprised
at how hot it is down here.

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At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with
technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00
cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon".

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be
driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy anew car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would
have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut
off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue.
For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your
car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to
reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable,
five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five
percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be
replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and
refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned
the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to
drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same
manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

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Everyone needs this list to live by

The most destructive habit..............................Worry
The greatest Joy.............................................Giving
The greatest loss......................Loss of self-respect
>>
The most satisfying work....................Helping others
The ugliest personality trait....................Selfishness
The most endangered species........Dedicated leaders
Our greatest natural resource....................Our youth
The greatest "shot in the arm"........Encouragement
The greatest problem to overcome......................Fear
>>
The most effective sleeping pill.........Peace of mind
The most crippling failure disease................Excuses
The most powerful force in life..........................Love
>>
The most dangerous pariah......................A gossiper
The world's most incredible computer.......The brain
The worst thing to be without......................... Hope
>>
The deadliest weapon.............................The tongue
The two most power-filled words................."I Can"
The greatest asset.........................................Faith
>>
The most worthless emotion......................Self-pity
The most beautiful attire................................SMILE!
The most prized possession....................... Integrity
>>
The most powerful channel of communication.......Prayer
The most contagious spirit....................Enthusiasm

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Brainteaser

Suicide? Or Murder? Or Suicide?
At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS resident
Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a
bizarre death. Here is the story:

On March 23, 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald
Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. The
decedent had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide.

He left a note to that effect indicating his despondency. As he fell
past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing
through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the
decedent was aware that a safety net had been installed just below at the
eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus
would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.

Ordinarily, Dr. Mills continued, "a person who sets out to commit
suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be
what he intended" is still defined as committing suicide. Mr. Opus was shot
on the way to certain death nine stories below at street level, but his
suicide attempt probably would not have been successful because of the
safety net. This caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide
on his hands.

The room on the ninth floor from whence the shotgun blast emanated
was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously,
and he was threatening her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that when
he pulled the trigger he completely missed his wife and the pellets went
through the window striking Mr. Opus.

When one intends to kill subject A, but kills subject B in the
attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with the
murder charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant. They both said
they thought the shotgun was unloaded. The old man said it was his long
standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no
intention to murder her. Therefore the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be
an accident, that is, the gun had been accidentally loaded.

The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old
couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal
accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial
support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the
shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father
would shoot his mother.

The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.

Now comes the exquisite twist.

Further investigation revealed that the son was in fact Ronald Opus.
He had become increasingly despondent over both the loss of his financial
support and the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder.
This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23rd, only to be shot by his father.

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Ahuwa’s Interview

Ahuwa was short listed for interview for the position of secretary in a company. She was the last candidate in a long list and the Manager was tired. When he saw her he did not like her but decided to still go ahead with the interview. It proceeded as follows.

After asking her to sit down she was asked to make a sentence with the following colours. Pink, green, yellow, black, purple and white. She hesitated for a second and then started. When I get this job and the phone rings green, green, green, I will pink it and say yellow. White are you saying? You are purpley disturbing. Please don’t call black. Upon hearing that, the manager collapsed and passed out.
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From Ameena Abbas, Minna.Nigeria.

ameena.isah@lycos.co.uk

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THIS IS WHAT A GUY WROTE TO A SYSTEM ANALYST;
Dear Systems Department,
I am desperate for some help!
I recently upgraded my program from Girlfriend 7.0 to
Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began
unexpected child Processing and also took up a lot of
space and valuable resources.
This wasn't mentioned in the product brochure. In
addition Wife 1.0 Installs itself into all other
programs and launches during systems Initialization
and then it monitors all other system
activities.
Applications such as "Boys' Night out 2.5" and "Golf
5.3" no longer Run, and crashes the system whenever
selected. Attempting to operate Selected "Saturday
Rugby 6.3" always fails and "Saturday Shopping 7.1"
runs instead.
I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background
whilst attempting to run any of my favourite
applications. Be it online or offline.
I am thinking of going back to "Girlfriend7.0", but
uninstall doesn't work on this program.
Can you please help?
...... AND THIS WHAT THE ANALYST SAID;
Dear Customer,
This is a very common problem resulting from a basic
misunderstanding of the functions of the "wife1.0
"program. Many customers upgrade from "Girlfriend 7.0"
to "Wife 1.0 " thinking that "Wife 1.0" is merely a
UTILITY AND ENTERTAINMENT PROGRAM.
Actually, "Wife 1.0 " is an OPERATING SYSTEM designed
by it's Creator to Run everything.
You are unlikely to be able to purge "Wife 1.0 "and
still convert back to "Girlfriend 7.0 ", as "Wife 1.0
" was not designed to do this and it is Impossible to
uninstall, delete or purge the program files from the
System once it is installed. Some people have tried to
install "Girlfriend 8.0 "or
"Wife 2.0 " but have ended up with even more
problems. (See manual under Alimony/Child Support and
Solicitors' Fees).
Having " Wife 1.0 " installed, I recommend you keep it
installed And deal with the difficulties as best as
you can. When any faults or problems Occur, whatever
you think has caused them, you must run the
C:APOLOGIZEFORGIVE ME Program and avoid attempting
to use the *Esc-Key for it will freeze the entire
system.
It may be necessary to run C:APOLOGIZEFORGIVE ME
for a number of times, and eventually hope that the
operating system will return to normal.
"Wife 1.0 ", although a very high maintenance program,
can be very rewarding. To get the most out of it,
consider buying additional Software such as "Flowers
2.0" and "Chocolates 5.0" or "HUGSKISSES 600.0" or
"TENDERNESS UNDERSTANDING 1000.0", or even "Eating
Out Without the Kids 7.2.1" (if child processing has
already started).
DO NOT under any circumstances install "Secretary 2.1"
(Short Skirt Version) or "One Nightstand 3.2" (Any
Mood Version), as this is not a supported Application
for "Wife 1.0 "and the system will almost certainly
CRASH.
BEST OF LUCK!
Your Systems Analyst,

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1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?

2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

3. There are two plastic jugs filled with water. How could you put all of this water into a barrel, without using the jugs or any dividers, and still tell which water came from which jug?

4. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?

5. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?

6. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it? It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it! In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out! Try to do so without any coaching!
send your answer to
the mallamibro@gmail.com

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God Bless Blondes at Football Games
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football (American not Soccer)game. They had great
seats right behind the bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked
the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she said, "especially the really
tight pants and all of the big muscles, but I just couldn't
understand why
they were killing each other for 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What on earth do you mean?"
"Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of
the game, all they kept screaming was: "Get the quarter back!

Ponderables

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic wins lottery"?

Why is it that to stop windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavors and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the time of day with slowest traffic called the rush hour?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

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A letter from an Indian mother to her daughter

My dear Jagjit,

I am in a well here and hoping you are also in a well there. I'm writing
this letter slowly because I know you cannot read fast. We don't live where
we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most
accidents happen 20 miles from home, so we moved 20 miles. I won't be able
to send the address as the last Sardar who stayed here took the house
numbers with them for their new house so they would not have to change their
address. Hopefully by next week we will be able to take our earlier address
plate here, so that our address will remain same too.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine, situated right
above the toilet. I'm not sure it works too well. Last week I put in 3
shirts, pulled the chain and haven't seen them since. The weather here isn't
too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first time it rained for 3 days
and second time for 4 days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt
said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the metal
buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket. Your father has
another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass at the
cemetery.

By the way I took Bahu to our club's poolside. The manager is Badmash. He
told her that two-piece swimming suit is not allowed in his club. We were
confused as to which piece should we remove? Your sister had a baby this
morning. I haven't found out whether it
is a girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle. Your
uncle Jetinder fell in the nearby well. Some men tried to pull him out, but
he fought them off bravely and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for
three days.

Your best friend, Balwinder, is no more. He died trying to fulfill his
father's last wishes. His father had wished to be buried in the sea after he
died. And your friend died while in the process of digging a grave for his
father.

There isn't much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love Mom.

PS: Jagjit, I was going to send you some money but by the time I realised,
I had already sealed off this letter.

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Joke of the Day

Ok 3 guys are looking for a place to stay so they find this motel... when they get in the clerk says there's one room left but he's not sure how much it costs and the men will have to wait for the manager to get back.... the clerk then says or you guys could leave 30 dollars here with me and either I'll bring back change or I'll come collect the rest in the morning.
The 3 guys leave 10 dollars each.......the manager comes and the room turns out to be 25 dollars so the manager gives the clerk 5 dollars to return to the 3 guys, the clerk then says but there's 3 guys how should I split it and the manager said well give each guy a dollar and keep 2 for yourself.

NOW!.....each guy spent 10 dollars, but got one back...which means they spent 9 dollars each, so 9x3=27 so the 27 dollars the guys spent plus the 2 the clerk kept equals 29 but the guys left 30....so where's the other dollar?

email your answer to the mallamibro@gmail.com

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Joke of the Day

The Magician

There was this magician on a ship performing every night. Not noticing, the captain's parrot watches him every night as he performs the same tricks. After watching him, the parrot finds out how he does it and started to tell the audience.

After the parrot told the audience, the ship hit an iceberg and started to sink. Everyone ran to the life boats. It so happened that the magician went overboard and managed to hold on to a flat piece of board that the parrot was on. After three days of staring at each other the parrot finally says, "Ok, what did you do with the ship?"

This joke submitted by: Lionhart724

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Joke of the Day

One fine June day a snake met his old friend, the skunk, in the forest. "How are you doing?" asked the skunk. "I haven't seen you in a long time."

"All right, I guess," the snake replied, "except that I can hardly see. I'm going to get contact lenses."

The snake did just that, & several days later he met up with the skunk again.

"Not only can I see perfectly now," he told his friend, "but my love life's improved."

"How can contact lenses improve your love life?"

"Simple," said the snake. "I just found out I've been living with a garden hose."

This joke submitted by: SallyBSunshine

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1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

3. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

4. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.

5. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.

6. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.

7. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.

8. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaners. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

9. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.

10. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.

11. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.

12. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.

13. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."

14. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.

15. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.

16. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," and if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to- butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.

17. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record as saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.

18. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.

19. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.

20. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.

21. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"

22. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.

23. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.

24. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

25. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.

26. Men forget everything; women remember everything.

27. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.

Woman Author Unknown

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Back Up?

Computer user on the phone to Technical Support:

"My files are gone! The hard drive crashed! What should I do!"

Technical Support:

"Did you back up?"

Computer user sincerely alarmed:

"Why? Is my computer going to blow up?"

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Break In!

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant.

"No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

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No Parking Zone !

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."

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The Mexican Border !

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He has two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"

"Sand," answered Juan.

The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike."

The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"

"Sand," says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.

"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

Juan sips his drink and says, "Bicycles."